When I pass a dog, I try my very best to make eye contact; cajoling them as they let me inch a little bit closer.
When I pass a human, I try my very best to avoid eye contact; ensuring that I have not awkwardly acknowledged their existence.
The world could be an intimate playground if we greeted each other as animals do. I had a few realisations about the human race in my short one night stay at a hostel in Copenhagen. The boys went off for a cycle, and I decided to have an adventure of my own.
One: Boys are scum. Most of them.They only chat to you with an interest to get in your pants. I had to prove JM’s existence with a photo (not one, two) to a cocky Dutch man. ‘So, judging from the fact you have a boyfriend, you’re into tall blonde men?’ ‘Yes … my boyfriend.’
Two: The majority of conversations are male dominated. And misogynistic. Numerous times they passed stories describing women (celebrity or previously dated) for being hot and nothing else. Completely dulling women to objects to look at and to hump.
Three: Women are shy. Act shy? Lack interest? Lack hobbies? All the women I met today were meek and lacked passion. For anything. Comparatively, I came off as an alpha female. Cocky. Domineering. A dyke, with my new haircut? A bitch? My confidence had inklings of discomfort as I reflected upon the impressions I left.
Written 12 hours later:
“Law of attraction”
To recap, ’twas an awful yesterday spent with an acquaintance, and rounded off with a vile evening mingling with soulless zombies. However, I had a magical today! I was expecting to leave the hotel just after breakfast. I had had enough of mindless small chat. It was a good experiment, though. It was a good challenge, though. The night was a miserable sleep, too. I reckon it would’ve been fine today, to be fair. I think that I needed one day getting accustomed to it. Anyway, I lacked a little bit of sleep, and ate breakfast alone whilst trying to wake up. One last attempt at making friends, I decided.
I sat myself next to a tall lad and a blonde woman with a Kanken. I got into the convo by complimenting her bag (stealth) and ended up going with her to Christiania. We hung out the whole day, got to know each other a little bit, and just felt really relaxed being around her. I was happy to give Christiania another go. I was happy to chat to people, to play with dogs, to drink some juice, to soak in the feeeeeeeeeeeels. Having pushed my train later, I felt a bit anxious keeping Janet waiting. I always feel guilty about not letting people know if they want to know. I decided to leave Xtiania earlier once I decided that enough chilling was enough. I left my matey, and walked home alone.
During my walk, I felt anxious. It’s a feeling of uneasiness of being alone, of being without JM, specifically. I was thinking to myself, actually, that I wanted to feel this feeling of loneliness. I wanted to indulge in it; as I want to sometimes (not frequently) indulge in sleeplessness or hunger. It’s almost like a challenge to myself and my senses. As I edged closer towards my hostel, I felt more confident as I began to understand my emotions. I arrived and met someone, still umm’ed and ahh’ed about what to do. Bumped into Alex and Javier; two hilarious Londoners of the age of 30. After getting our free dinner (little bit o’ pasta and mushrooms), we decided to go for a smorrebord. We just clicked. I was in stitches all meal.
I didn’t want to leave, and checked for a spare bed. None free. The decision was done for me. Off to home I go.
Decisiveness. Not feeling obligated towards imaginary boundaries. Understanding which friends are important, and which are not. Gaging priorities. Chilling out. Living without time restrictions.
Graham’s theory of ‘clicking with someone’.
The dream of self sustainability.