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I’m sat here in the North Terminal, chomping on my Pret salad (consisting only of vegetables and grains, costing £4.50 takeaway price) and feeling a little ill. Gatwick is buzzing. People are, and are from, everywhere. But it makes me sick. We collectively sit mindlessly, unconsciously, unthinkingly getting on with our lives. Some are trying to validate their exciting existence with a getaway. Some are going home, and others are going on business trips. We always have an agenda. An external reason or purpose to do or to go.

Perhaps it could [and should?] be seen as a beautiful process. The extreme efficiency to pick, pay and eat lunch in a matter of minutes. We live in an era of convenience. Strife is to be avoided. Shortcuts always to be taken. Does this promote self-development? What do parents try and set up for our children? No bumps. Then those molehills inflate to fucking mountains when not met early on.

I suddenly have an urge escape into the Portuguese forest. I want to take Jean Mi, a doggie, a million books and take this time to be by myself. Yoga, nature, good food, my love, my life. Simplicity.

What if my corporate lifestyle robs me of my romantic understanding of “true life” and imposes upon me its draconian clockwork process? What if I forget? What if I am brainwashed?

What if I am currently brainwashed?

Sometimes, life feels too overwhelming. I am overwhelmed by the disagreements in my head. Juxtaposed. Like cheap pick’n’mixes; bric-a-bracs of chicken thoughts. Incomplete and abandoned. I want to live one way, yet I accept another. I BELIEVE ALL. I don’t believe in nothing.

My mind is jumping. My heart is flipping. My stomach wrenches and I feel sick.

Human Realisations

When I pass a dog, I try my very best to make eye contact; cajoling them as they let me inch a little bit closer.

When I pass a human, I try my very best to avoid eye contact; ensuring that I have not awkwardly acknowledged their existence.

The world could be an intimate playground if we greeted each other as animals do. I had a few realisations about the human race in my short one night stay at a hostel in Copenhagen. The boys went off for a cycle, and I decided to have an adventure of my own.

One: Boys are scum. Most of them.They only chat to you with an interest to get in your pants. I had to prove JM’s existence with a photo (not one, two) to a cocky Dutch man. ‘So, judging from the fact you have a boyfriend, you’re into tall blonde men?’ ‘Yes … my boyfriend.’

Two: The majority of conversations are male dominated. And misogynistic. Numerous times they passed stories describing women (celebrity or previously dated) for being hot and nothing else. Completely dulling women to objects to look at and to hump.

Three: Women are shy. Act shy? Lack interest? Lack hobbies? All the women I met today were meek and lacked passion. For anything. Comparatively, I came off as an alpha female. Cocky. Domineering. A dyke, with my new haircut? A bitch? My confidence had inklings of discomfort as I reflected upon the impressions I left.

—

Written 12 hours later:

“Law of attraction”

To recap, ’twas an awful yesterday spent with an acquaintance, and rounded off with a vile evening mingling with soulless zombies. However, I had a magical today! I was expecting to leave the hotel just after breakfast. I had had enough of mindless small chat. It was a good experiment, though. It was a good challenge, though. The night was a miserable sleep, too. I reckon it would’ve been fine today, to be fair. I think that I needed one day getting accustomed to it. Anyway, I lacked a little bit of sleep, and ate breakfast alone whilst trying to wake up. One last attempt at making friends, I decided.

I sat myself next to a tall lad and a blonde woman with a Kanken. I got into the convo by complimenting her bag (stealth) and ended up going with her to Christiania. We hung out the whole day, got to know each other a little bit, and just felt really relaxed being around her. I was happy to give Christiania another go. I was happy to chat to people, to play with dogs, to drink some juice, to soak in the feeeeeeeeeeeels. Having pushed my train later, I felt a bit anxious keeping Janet waiting. I always feel guilty about not letting people know if they want to know. I decided to leave Xtiania earlier once I decided that enough chilling was enough. I left my matey, and walked home alone.

During my walk, I felt anxious. It’s a feeling of uneasiness of being alone, of being without JM, specifically. I was thinking to myself, actually, that I wanted to feel this feeling of loneliness. I wanted to indulge in it; as I want to sometimes (not frequently) indulge in sleeplessness or hunger. It’s almost like a challenge to myself and my senses. As I edged closer towards my hostel, I felt more confident as I began to understand my emotions. I arrived and met someone, still umm’ed and ahh’ed about what to do. Bumped into Alex and Javier; two hilarious Londoners of the age of 30. After getting our free dinner (little bit o’ pasta and mushrooms), we decided to go for a smorrebord. We just clicked. I was in stitches all meal.

I didn’t want to leave, and checked for a spare bed. None free. The decision was done for me. Off to home I go.

Decisiveness. Not feeling obligated towards imaginary boundaries. Understanding which friends are important, and which are not. Gaging priorities. Chilling out. Living without time restrictions.

Graham’s theory of ‘clicking with someone’.

The dream of self sustainability.

True love.

Youth.

….and I never want to cook again.

Hilarious. After dreaming of how to cook healthy Victoria Sponge Cake recipes, the perfect Lemon Drizzle, succulent fish curries and then carrying it out… I’m done. I’m so so so done with cooking and baking. Unfortunately, it was due to the overload of cake-baking I had done in 2 days. In the space of 12 hours, I had baked 3 cakes.

The first granola batch were such a success that I wanted to try a new one. I did. And they’re awesome.

The first brownie batch were such a success that I wanted to try another healthier dessert. Spirulina seed bars. Not such a success. I originally used a recipe that consisted purely of honey, oats, spirulina and seeds (did I put in nuts? I don’t even remember). This resulted in a sickly sweet taste that did not want to go down my tummy, and so I decided to fix it by adding buckwheat puffs and oats to ‘distribute’ the taste. Nein, they don’t stick anymore. Last resort; add dates (oops, too many. Of course I did) into the mix to change the taste. Lovely. Now they’re too sticky…and probably too sugary…let’s add a dash of pecans. Perfection – or not? Too full to even try them, and their green colour does not help the appeal-factor. 

Victoria Sponge Cake 1. Thinly spread cream and jam to try and make it as ‘healthy as possible’. Tried out strawberry tart which lacked all sugar and taste (such a shame, it looked a beauty). Darnen healthy recipes. What do we expect? I love it, though. decide to keep it and freeze it. 
Not good enough for the public, though. Not for the picnic. Decide to create a new spongecake in the morning, which takes around 30 minutes. Record time. I had made the previous two cakes at the same time; in an hour.

The aim of this cookin’ fad was to cook more savoury food. Hello to this beautiful sweet potato, onion, red pepp and spinach frittata (i.e. fancy omelette). Hello to a tart fennel salad, a wholesome broccoli and ginger soup, a filling Keralan fish curry.

And now, I put my cutlery, my packs of nuts, my blender and my broom AWAY.

Do you ever get that fleeting feeling…

…to do something impulsive?

Perhaps jumping on that boat going nowhere, fulfilling that floating foundation which we call life.

Building a home with your bare hands.

Cycling for days to indulge in the rhythmic movement of your legs carrying you forwards across plains, roads, cities, countries; the world.

Escaping your nest to live somewhere completely foreign…an isolated adventure.

I always make excuses. I’ve got a ‘great’ job offer, I don’t have my own financial standing at the moment, I have Jean-Mi, I am injured, I’m scared of being alone, I’ve already travelled, I can’t speak the language, my family won’t approve, I’ll miss my friends, how will I dance?, how will I recover?, how will I eat?, how can I settle? how how can’t can’t can’t I no no no…

Who knows what I even want at this moment? I secretly hope that I don’t get the visa so that I am forced to do something extreme and awesome. Like to go live in Beirut, or Shanghai, and finally fulfil my dream of multilingualism. Or, that could make me succumb back to the Dubai cocoon where I can make money and regress back into my childhood state of mind. All without JM. Oh no. And the wonderful house that I could share with Christine, Pree and JM. And the wonderful experience that is London. The opportunity to learn in this job which can basically set me up for the years ahead. Set me up? In what sense? Do I even want to learn those skills? Of being a Performance Improvement consultant? What even IS that?

3 days and more will unfold.

Goin’ on a cooking craze

In my house-bound state of unlimitless time, I have decided I need to learn how to cook. Properly.

I mean, I’m a bona fide food fiend. Healthy foods, especially.

However, it’s difficult to cook in Dubai. My maid is extremely territorial of the kitchen and chases us out whenever we start poking our noses in there. I’ve grown up alien from the kitchen. Now, as I recover and rehab in the Hurst’s household, I have full reign of the kitchen. I also warn you that I don’t take great pictures, and I probably won’t try and kid you that I do. They’re lol-worthy unfiltered pics from my Gold Apple iPhone (which has survived the jungles of Cambodia and the beaches of the Philippines). Nein, the photo-taking is not the point of these posts so just enjoy them sympathetically 🙂

First were these delicious granola bars. I mixed 2 different recipes but mostly drew from the one included. I have a habit of reading at least 20 recipes of the same thing, and then mixing it for the ‘best possible recipe’. I think this results in a waste of time, but it’s my habit to do this with EVERYTHING. I feel like I interpolate the worst and the best to arrive, truly, at the best possible answer. The best hostel to stay in. The best place to eat. The best music for tonight. The best movie to watch. Tabs and tabs, open to annoy you OCD people out there.

Anyway! This was nice and easy to make – I initially made it without any honey and nut butter but decided it was too tasteless when plain. They did not turn out as crunchy as I thought – are they supposed to be crunchy or chewy?

Next up were these gorgeous brownies which were PERFECT. My god. They taste like real brownies – and they’re GOOD (well, as good as chocolate can be…) for you. I originally made the icing (pictured) without adding the sugar to make it ‘fluffier’. This was on account of me being lazy, and also thinking i could cut out sugar and have all the great taste. After spreading and sprinkling, I decided that it would be better to do it ‘properly’. I scooped everything out and re-did the icing – and I’m glad I did! I know this says a lot about my personality… I’m a dishevelled whirlwind.

I was dying to make a hummus, but ended up making these crunchy delights. I used the Comptois Libanais cookbook for this. I totally ‘messed’ up. Again, my tornado tempo made me add 1 TBSP instead of 1TSP of the spices. I solved this by adding an extra tin of chickpeas. 30 minutes post grilling in the oven resulted in soggy chickpeas, which I thought was the desired outcome. Jean-mi didn’t seem too keen. I decided to take a chance and stick them back in the oven (after a Google search). Some details which I learned along the way:

1. Drain chickpeas. Rinse then. DRY THEM.
2. Read tsp vs. tbsp. Differentiate.
3. Don’t be scared of burning these little babies. Keep them in there for 40 minutes. 50 if needed.

Amy and JM gobbled these up in 10 minutes flat.

 This isn’t cooking at all, but I think it’s too good not to share! I’ve been drinking loads of sparkling water with lemons, but decided to add a little twist to some still water. Yesterday, I mixed lemons, raspberries and blueberries. Today, some mint and berries. I freeze the berries so they’re like little ice-cubes 🙂 Super refreshing drink to have whilst reading in the garden!